


zenix dies

by mashiee



Category: aphmau - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Implied ADHD, Implied OCD, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Nonbinary Character, Panic Attacks, Trans Male Character, actually its kinda mentioned but, gene and sasha are good friends, implied anxiety disorder, its gene, its zenix btw, that or its just hyper focusing on being clean and over describing things, which is the whole point of this fic lol, zenix just needs hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:01:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23061382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mashiee/pseuds/mashiee
Summary: ZENIX DOESN'T ACTUALLY DIE, THANK YOU!In which Zenix has a panic attack at Sasha’s house, and then they’re taken care of. And how tHE FUC K DId they end up with such wonderful friends that they definitely don’t deserve? That and a side of unintentional self projection.Please, don't repost my work. Thank you!
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	zenix dies

**Author's Note:**

> \- tell me what you think! feedback is greatly appreciated!  
> \- there’s not specifically supposed to be a romantic relationship here, but if you want to take one as romantic, go ahead!  
> \- also, tell me if y’all like my ocs for sasha’s family! or don’t tell! that’s cool too! (i didn’t intend to have any when deciding to write this but it just kinda happened, i like it though!)  
> \- i started making sasha say “love” like halfway through this so i just put it everywhere and i uh, i guess that’s a thing now lol (she’s from europe now ig?? maybe the uk??)  
> \- i am nonbinary myself, but i didn't exactly have such a difficult experience with it, it gradually happened and was pretty smooth, so i'm hoping i did an at least okay job on depicting a rockier experience (if not tell me how I can fix it please lol)  
> \- and one last thing just as a heads up, whenever i have panic attacks my speech gets super slow and sloppy and i slur my words a lot and stutter and i say very little, like basic speech only—so that’s why zenix talks the way they do in this. i don’t know if it’s like that for everyone, it probably isn’t all panic attacks are different, but that’s just how mine worked so i correlated that to this to hopefully make it more realistic

It rang in Zenix’s ears. It haunted them, it was what kept them up at night. It may have been stupid, but they just didn’t have the energy for it anymore. Being misgendered was exhausting, honestly. Even when people didn’t know (which no one did). They didn’t blame anyone. It wasn’t like they had said anything yet. It was just tiring, trying to play along and pretend it’s okay. Hearing it said and acting like that was just fine.

It was so exhausting. And it hurt, too. A lot. Not in the pain kind of hurt. The kind of hurt where everything is so uncomfortable that you feel suffocated. Like there’s no air, nothing to breathe, nowhere to go, no one to go to. It was so, so suffocating. And _that_ fucking _hurt_. It hurt a whole fucking lot. 

“This is Zenix, Mum. _He’s_ one of my best friends. _He’s_ a sweetheart.”

“Oh! I’m glad you made friends with _him_ , Lovey! Hello, darling! My name is Aniva, it’s wonderful to meet you.”

“Dad, Zenix. Zenix, Dad.” Sasha’s dad didn’t talk much, Zenix guessed. They thought that maybe it’s where she got it from.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, young _**man**_.”

“Him.”

“ _Him_.”

“ ** _HIM_**.”

And suddenly, before Sasha could introduce her little brother Ivis, Zenix broke down. They didn’t mean to, really. They didn’t mean to let it get to them, they didn’t mean to be weak. 

Their lips started quivering. Their fingers started shaking, and then their arms, and then their legs. Their whole body was shaking. Their eyes were watering and scrunching up. Oh Irene, they were crying. They sank to the floor, someone helping them down gently. They couldn’t see a thing and they were cold, so cold. And sweaty. They were really sweaty. Really sweaty. It was icky. They clutched onto the person holding them. They were getting the person’s shirt wet and snotty. They couldn’t breathe, they were gasping for air. There was no air, it was gone. The air was gone. They couldn’t-! They couldn’t breathe! They couldn’t breathe. They couldn’t breathe.

They couldn’t _breathe_.

Distantly, they heard something but they were too out of it to be able to care.

Where were they? Zenix was in Sasha’s living room, weren’t they? Why was everything so blurry and wet? And—noise. They heard noise. 

“Zenix.” 

“Zenix.” 

Zenix made a noise somewhere in between a groan and a whine. 

“Zenix! Oh, thank Irene.”

Oh, they were crying weren't they? No, no, no. They can’t be weak. They can’t…

“‘Mm…’mmm sssor-r-y-y.” They were stuttering. Fuck.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Bub. Breakdowns happen, and that’s okay.” It’s...warm. They liked it, it felt...was safe.

“‘Ss…’s warm…”

“Mhmm. I’m right here, Bub. I’m not leaving ya. It’s alright, you’re safe. I’ll protect you.” Oh.

Gene.

“It’ll all be okay, I promise. It may not be right now, but it will be.” They liked that. They liked that a lot.

“You’ll be just fine.”

“Now, do you think you can do some things for me?” Zenix grunted. “Can you look up at me, Bub?” Zenix did their best to look up, but they could only get to Gene’s shirt collar. They let out a distressed noise. “That’s alright, Bub. It’s progress. I need you to find five things in the room for me. Can you do that? Take your time, though. It’s okay.” After Zenix found five things, they nodded. “Okay, what are they?”

“‘Ss a...a sock, ‘nd ah ch-chair, ‘nd-’nd a bag-g, a b-bo...ok, ‘nd a pic-ture.”

“Good!” Warm. Gene’s smile was warm. It was safe. They liked it. “Alright, now, who am I?” 

“G-gene.”

“Good, now who are you?”

...they...they were… They were they. Them. They were them. Them they. They them? Oh, Zenix. They were Zenix. Right? They thought so...

“Zzz...zz...z-zen...zenn...n...ix…” Gene frowned. Zenix didn’t like that. Zenix didn’t like that at all. Zenix shrunk in on themselves. 

“No, no, no, you didn’t do anything wrong, Bub. But do you think you can say your name again? Take your time.”

“Z-zenixx.”

“Good. Very good.” Warm. So warm. So, so warm. 

They turned their head at the sound of a door opening. It was Sasha. And her little brother. They had blankets and...something in a cup. Sasha set the blankets down and walked towards her dresser. Her brother walked over to Zenix.

“We made some hot chocolate. Do you want some?” That...that sounded nice. Good. Sounded good.

“Y-yess pleasssee.” 

Sasha’s little brother gave them a small smile. But it was a nice small smile. Not like the ones their mother gave them in public, when she was trying to act like she liked them. It was warm, very warm. They liked the warmth. But why were they so warm? They didn’t deserve it. 

“Come on, Love, let’s get you into the shower and changed,” Sasha said, cracking a grin. “Your clothes have salt and snot on them.” 

Zenix tried to laugh, but they just couldn’t. It came out broken and cracked. It was weak. But...Sasha just smiled. She wasn’t disappointed in them? Mad? Didn’t think they were weak? ...why?

“Sorry, Love. Bad attempt at humor, yeah?” Sasha said. “Oh, and try not to talk too much right now. You’ve been crying a lot which puts a lot of strain on your throat and is super exhausting, though attacks in general are exhausting.” 

No, no, no. Why-why was she…? Why was she apologizing? They were _weak_. That was...that was their...fault…

“O-okay…”

“Really, though, we need to get you out of those clothes, Love. And you need to take a shower,” Sasha repeated. 

“Don’ wan-n-na.”

“Zenix, Love, come on.”

“Nuh.”

Sasha sighed. “Zenix, please? For me? You’ll feel so much better afterwards, Love. I promise.”

“Uh-uh, I don-!”

“How about you just change clothes, yeah?” Gene interrupted. “You don’t have to take a shower right now, just change clothes. How about that?”

Zenix thought about it. They knew they would make them take a shower later anyway and they wouldn’t get out of this, so they thought they would take what they could get. 

“F-fine.”  
  
“Good boy,” Gene said, Zenix immediately flinching aggressively. 

Gene and Sasha noticed. Zenix briefly wondered if her little brother did, too. 

“No? Is that not something I should say? I won’t say that, if you would like. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring you any discomfort or pain.”

“I-I...I...I uh…” Zenix audibly gulped. “Um...I-” Zenix was about to start crying again, when Sasha came over and put their face in her hands.

“Before I say anything else, please know that we love you-” Zenix did know, and they didn’t know why. But hearing that did make them feel better. “-and would do anything for you without question. Now, take a deep breath, okay Love?”

Zenix took a deep breath. 

And another. And another. And eventually, they got their breathing under control again.

“Perfect!” Sasha praised. “Do you wanna tell us what that was about Love? We’ll listen if you’d like. But you don’t have to, of course. Take all the time you need, even if that means you never tell us.” Gene nodded in agreement. Sasha’s little brother—who Zenix still didn’t know the name of—went out of the room to get something Sasha asked him to get. Zenix didn’t hear what it was.

“I...I don’...I don’ like...the...don’ like bein...called...‘boy.’” 

“Alright, we won’t call you that then. I’m sorry about that,” Gene said. “Is there a reason why, if you’ll let me ask?”

“Nuh, nuh, yuh don’...understand...iss, iss the...the ‘hee.’ Don’ like bein’ called ‘he.’”

Silence. 

Zenix hated it.

“So, you mean as in pronouns and gender?” Gene asked. 

Sasha planned to stay quiet throughout this, this was Gene’s forte, not hers. Gene was transgender, after all, and like hell she’d know more about gender identity than he would.

“Yuh.”

“Is that why you broke down?” Zenix nodded as Gene got lost in his thoughts for a brief moment. Gene was mad at himself for not paying more attention to it. He saw the awkward movement and stares. Why the fuck didn’t he say anything? ‘Well, whether I can unfuck the past or not, I can do something right now,’ Gene thought.

“Alright. What pronouns would you like us to use?” Gene asked, staying true to his thoughts. Zenix didn’t understand, just like that? So simple? But...ma always said...weren’t they not…? 

Ma always said they were a filthy liar for ‘denying Irene’s true plan for me as a _boy_.’ So...why were they so...so accepting?

**(A/N: I would have said ‘God’s plan’ but Irene is their god so uh…)**

“Whyyy are y-you soo...why are yuh sso okaay withh thiss?”

“Because we love you, Zen. Now can you answer my question? I don’t wanna get it wrong again.” Gene was so warm. 

“Wan…‘they.’ Wanna bbee calledd ‘theyy’”

“They/them?”

“Yuh.”

“Alright. They/them.” Gene’s smile was so warm. So, so warm. “Now, let’s get you changed, okay?”

“Yuh.” Zenix paused their movements. “I got youu wet, t-too…’mmm s-sssor-rryy…” Gene looked down, pulling his shirt out to get a better look at it. “Oh, I don’t care, Bub. It’s alright. Clothes can be washed and it’s not hurting anyone. No harm done, no harm gained. Alright, Bub?” Gene put their face in his hands. “You’re fine. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“B-buut-”

“No. You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing at all.”

“I-”

“No.”

“O-okay…”

Gene smiled. Gene’s smile was so safe. Zenix hoped it would stay that way.

“‘Mm sssor-ryy fur beinn-g weea-k ‘nd bein’ a burr-d-den, t-tooo.” Zenix couldn’t help themselves. They had to say it. They had to apologize. 

Sasha and Gene’s head snapped over to his direction immediately. As Sasha walked over, Gene put his forehead to theirs and spoke. 

“You aren’t weak, Zenix. And you aren’t a burden, either. You’re strong and you’re a wonderful addition to our friend group, thank you very much.” Sasha sat down and pulled the two of them into a hug. “Gene is right, Love. Don’t think any less of yourself. You are perfect as you are. You’re perfect imperfect.” 

Zenix started crying again. They loved them. They loved them so much. So so much. 

“Th-thannnk yo-ouu. I l-love youuu.” Sasha and Gene were surprised. They didn’t expect that, but they absolutely loved it. They _basked_ in the love and warmth Zenix was trying so hard to give them, even though they weren’t ever shown it before Sasha and Gene began to. 

Sasha and Gene spoke at the same time, “We love you too, Love.” “We love you too, Bub.” snorting immediately after. Zenix made a “pfft” noise a few seconds later.

“Alright, Loves. Let’s get you two changed.” Sasha walked over to her closet, sliding the wooden door open with some difficulty. “Okay, let’s see…” She squatted down, picking some stuff up off the floor. “Oh! Hey, Gene. Can you get that black duffel bag over there by my desk? It’s on the right side of it.”

**(A/N: as someone who regularly says “y’all,” it was stupidly difficult to write “you two” instead of “y’all” and hurts my soul greatly)**

“Yeah, sure,” Gene said, standing up with Zenix easily. Zenix shrieked before Gene set them back on the bed. “You alright, Bub?”

“Yeah,” Zenix replied in a squeakier-than-they-would-like-to-admit voice. 

Gene walked over the side of the desk, crouching down. “Wait, isn’t this my duffel bag?” Sasha got back up with her retrieved items, setting them on the bed. “Yeah, you left it over last week, Love. I was gonna check if there were any clean clothes left in there.” 

Gene opened the bag, pulling stuff out in a messy manner that Sasha would whine about later. “Though, you probably have other clothes of yours lying around here somewhere if there aren’t.” Gene stood up abruptly. “Nope! There’s good clothes in here.” Sasha cocked her hip, giving Gene a deadpan stare. 

“I said _clean_ , not ‘good.’” Gene turned around, pointing his index finger at Sasha. “First of all, these _are_ clean! Second! You can wear clothes a second time and have them still be perfectly clean!” 

“Gene, NO! That’s _nasty_!” “It is _not_!” “Gene, please at least let me wash your clothes befo-” 

“Too late,” Gene said, taking his shirt off to change.

“You are so nasty.” 

“Correct.”

After _finally_ getting Zenix to change—which took forever because even after having a panic attack and admitting to something as big as _gender identity_ , Zenix is still a little _shit_ —Gene and Sasha sat back on the bed. And as Zenix was about to sit down, themselves, Gene pulled Zenix back onto his lap. Their back to Gene’s chest and effectively caged in Gene’s arms as they wrapped around them. Zenix struggled at first, but eventually gave in. They couldn’t resist the warmth of Gene that they knew all too well.

“So, how do you feel now, Bub?” Gene asked, stroking Zenix’s hair.

“‘Mmm bbbeetterr.”

“Good, I’m glad.”

Zenix briefly looked up as they felt Sasha get up from the bed. They watched as she went into her bathroom and got a glass of water and some pills from a bottle. She came back and sat next to Zenix and Gene. “Here, take this, Love. It’s some Advil. I can’t imagine you don’t have a headache after that panic attack. And even if you don’t it won’t hurt you anyway, so.”

Zenix nodded as they grabbed the pills in one hand and the glass of water in the other from Sasha. They took the pills, as Sasha’s brother walked through the door. 

“Oh, hey, you’re back. What took so long, Lovey?” Sasha asked. Zenix wondered if it had been a long time. They were never very good with telling time just by feeling, and Sasha _did_ have patience that only went up to a 4 on a scale of 1000. Zenix supposed it really must have been a long time based on her brother’s answer, though he was probably used to her patience levels anyway.

Sasha’s brother put a hand up to scratch the back of his neck as he spoke. “I forget we moved all the towels from the laundry closet to their own closet.” He looked sheepish.

“Uh huh? And you didn’t get distracted? At all?” Sasha asked, cocking her hip and raising a brow. Her brother looked away, blushing in shame. “I-uh-” He sighed, twiddling his thumbs. “Yeah, I did.” 

Sasha snorted. “Of course ya did.” She sighed, a smile forming on her face. “Don’t worry about it Lovey, It was good timing.”

He stopped twiddling his thumbs and snapped his head up, practically breaking his neck in half. “I-what?” Sasha rolled her eyes with a smile on her face. “I said it was good timing, Lovey. Good job.”

He looked at her with the same shocked face for a few more moments. Then, he looked at her with the most ‘sunshine’ smile Zenix had ever seen. And that was saying a lot, because Zenix had seen _Dante’s_ smile and _Garroth’s_ smile. Like, Jesus Christ. I wanna be able to see in the next ten years, thank you.

Maybe that was why Gene had such shitty vision. 

“So'd ya get the towel?” Sasha asked, putting her hand out. “Oh, yeah! Here!” He held out the towel, bouncing in excitement, sunshine smile still on his face. Sasha took the towel and turned back to Zenix. “Thanks, Lovey. Oh, and can you get the purple hair clip I have in my top right drawer, too? The small drawer. It’s a bigger hair clip. Light-ish purple. And the little cylinder container of bobby pins I have in there too, please.” Sasha asked, walking over to Gene and Zenix. 

“Okie dokie!” He practically _sprinted_ into her bathroom, _thrilled_ to the _bone_ to help someone.

Sasha sat down next to Zenix and Gene, twisting herself to face them. She put her hand up to Zenix’s cheek to move their head in her direction. She wiped off Zenix’s face with the wet but warm towel, getting rid of the tears and snot that built up on their face. Zenix made faces and complained the entire time, which was amusing to watch. Though, they kept on squirming in Gene’s lap, which made him smack Zenix on the back of the head. 

“Here, is this it?” Sasha’s little brother asked, holding out a large purple hair clip and a container of bobby pins, rocking on his heels. “Yes, perfect! Thank you, Lovey.” Her little brother beamed. Sasha set the towel down on the bed beside her and took the hair clip and bobby pins. “Turn your head back to me, Love.” Sasha put her hand underneath Zenix’s fringe and pushed her hand up, holding their bangs out of their face, after they turned to her. “I’m gonna pin your hair back so your face can get some air and be fresh for awhile. Okay, Love? I know it sounds stupid, and it may not help you like it does for me, but I find that getting my hair out of my face helps me calm down.”

Zenix nodded. Sasha got to work. She grabbed the purple hair clip and pinned the majority of Zenix's fringe back, the hair clip now sitting on the top of their head. She then grabbed several bobby pins from the container and put them in her mouth to hold them as she put the top back on the container. After pinning back the sides of Zenix’s fringe that the bigger clip couldn’t get, she got up and put the bobby pins and towel in her bathroom.

“Wait, why couldn’t you just get a towel from your bathroom,” Gene inquired. “Because-” “Hey! Did you make me get a towel just because?!” Sasha’s brother pouted, folding his arms. “No! Let me finish! All my towels are in the laundry room, right now. I just put them in there a little bit before you guys arrived.” Sasha gave her brother a scowl. 

**(A/N: “you guys” ughh my soulll)**

“Oh.”

“Oh, and by the way, Zenix, this is my little brother Ivis. Ivis, this is Zenix. _They’re_ one of my best friends. And _they’re_ a total sweetheart,” Sasha introduced. It felt nice to be introduced like that. They liked it a lot. A whole lot. 

“Oh! Hi! My name is Ivis, I’m Sasha’s younger brother by three years! It’s nice to meet you!” Ivis said, smile giving the sun a run for its money. He talks fast too, Zenix noticed. If Zenix wasn’t so used to Dante’s speed-talking, they probably wouldn’t have been able to keep up with him.

Zenix smiled softly. “It’s nice to meet you, too. I’m Z-zenix.”

“Nice to meet you, Zenix!” He smiled even _more_ sunshine somehow. Zenix was convinced Ivis was either literal sunshine, or literal happiness. “Oh, hey! You wanna watch a movie? “That’s what Sasha, Mum, Dad, and I usually do when one of us has a panic attack. Helps get your mind off things! And it’s relaxing, too. It doesn’t require a lot of energy, and is easy to fall asleep to. Breakdowns take _a lot_ of energy and are _really_ tiring. So it’s good to always do something relaxing and, if possible, energy restoring! Like watching a movie! Oh! Or eating, or taking a nap, or-!” 

Ivis suddenly stopped. He looked terrified. He looked down, twiddling his thumbs. Zenix _hated_ it. Zenix just met this boy, but they would do anything for him. If anything happened to him, they would immediately kill everyone within a mile radius, and then themself. How _dare_ someone hurt this sunshine boy? The literal sun? The _literal_ sun? The _sun_?

“O-oh. I uh...I’m sorry if-if that was...I’m sorry...I talk really fast and I talk a lot...I-I don’t mean to be annoying...o-or r-rude. I’m not trying to make everything about myself, I’m-I’m sorry...” 

Zenix was gonna _cry_. And apparently so were Gene and _Sasha_. Oh. Oh no. Oh, Sasha looked _horrified_. 

**(A/N: if you couldn’t tell, which it’s okay if you didn’t catch on! i probably didn’t write it very well anyway, ivis has adhd. this wasn’t originally intended, but i self project too much so i decided to just roll with it! and the entire “sunshine boy” thing is because i just want to feel appreciated.)**

Zenix started waving their hands. “N-no! You didn’t...you didn’t do anything wrong! You were just tr-trying to help...and…” Zenix _really_ wished they weren’t so shitty at expressing their emotions. 

“Ivis, you did absolutely nothing wrong, Lovey.” Oh thank Irene, Sasha was taking over. “You were just trying to help, and that’s okay. That’s good! You’re _trying_ , even if you may not be able to get your point across well or in the way you want to. You didn’t mean any harm, and no harm was done, alright?” 

“A-are you sure…?” Ivis looked up slightly. 

“Yes!” Zenix quickly input.

“O-Okay! Do...do you wanna watch…?” 

“Yeah, that sounds nice. It’s a good idea.” 

“Okay!” 

After deciding on a movie to watch--they all decided to watch _WALL-E_ \--they all settled down onto Sasha’s bed, snuggled into the makeshift comfiness they made with blankets and pillows, using Sasha’s laptop to show the movie, and drinking hot chocolate. And as Zenix fell asleep in Gene’s lap, with Sasha and Ivis snuggled into the sides of them, and Gene running his fingers through Zenix’s hair, they wondered how they got such _loving_ friends.

**Author's Note:**

> \- thanks for reading! i hope you enjoyed it!  
> \- tell me what you think! feedback is greatly appreciated!


End file.
